Twilight...for a grade

*WARNING* Extremist thinking below.


By a broad (hugely broad, but not too off) estimation, over half the female population between 12-17 has read the Twilight series. Over half of that half are currently obsessed with the series. Over half of that half of the other half currently have an Edward poster in their bedroom, have compared their boyfriend to Edward, or have otherwise dumped their boyfriend in hopes of finding their Edward. (Again, this is an estimation; the mania could be worse.) Sadly too, many women over the age of 30 have also expressed hopes of finding their Edward. Men of America, be warned- engagement rates are about to hit an all-time low, thanks to our fictional friend Edward Cullen and his pen-mother, Stephanie Meyer.

How, oh how, could the female population possibly fall into such a perfect romance-trap? Do people really enjoy the books, or are they just conforming to what others say and not think about the actual plot? Because I can break down Meyer's game plan right here:

• Enter Bella, a girl with no aspirations, who moves in with her dad in a small town and does (in the lovely way of most Mormons, like her pen-mother) all the cooking and cleaning for him.
• Bella makes a group of friends at her new school, an amazing feat due to the fact that all she does is complain about how cold it is and how much she misses her mom.
• Enter Edward the vampire (emphasis on the VAMPIRE). Spend half the book describing how beautiful he is and how much he can't resist Bella...if that's not creepy enough, just think- who else sits outside someone's window and watches them sleep? HINT: it rhymes with -olester...and -alker...and -edifile...
• Commence several chapters and three more books of frolicking, sparkles, vampire hissy-fits, and talk about forever.
• End your book happily-ever-after no matter what. Throw in some post-marriage sex and childbirth before that, and you're on your way to playing with the big kids!

I miss new Harry Potter books. I miss Michael Crichton 6-feet under. But most of all, I miss the publishers who would take one look at a plot like Twilight's and send the author back to school...for life.

(And this is the part just for you, Ms. Falkner, where I blow my idea into the bigger picture.)

The mania over Twilight highlights some disappointing features of this generation; we have absolutely no differentiation between real life and a romance novel, we have completely lost our ability to analyze a book's plot, and our writer's have taken full advantage of this! Not only will future authors follow Meyer's example (because who could resist all that success, even if it means sacrificing plot and structure and all the basic fundamentals of writing), they already have. Go into any bookstore, and you'll find the Young Adult section is teeming with vampire romance novels...oh, for the days of Dracula and wooden stakes!

Wake up, women of America, and go read Jane Eyre.